Lexieliciousness!!!

I always had a hard time closing my mind.

I always had to think of something.

Especially guys I have strong feelings for.

I use to think in my head that just try to occupy myself so much so that I won’t have time to think of him and eventually forget him. When that happens, it happens.

Back in Form 2, I always had my mind on one guy. He was well known among the girls, which was one of the reasons I can’t be with him. He knows that, it made him take advantage of girls and hardly have any respect for them. I know he’s one of the biggest jerks around, however, I think of him all the time it gives me problems sleeping, paying attention and most of all I can’t rest my mind. I thought I was so in love because this kept going for over a year. I just thought of him every minute. I was dreaming of him so much that I thought I’ll be trap in my own mind forever.

Sometimes when I dream of him, I get frustrated cause thinking that I’m not strong enough to forget him.

But honestly, a small part of me didn’t want to give up this fantasy. I loved being in this dreamland of my own.

During that one year, we didn’t contact much, sometimes missing him made my feelings grow. But sometimes it just faded.

In my head, I was almost giving up hope. Not the hope of giving him up, but the hope of ever forgetting him. I kept thinking that I would be in love with him forever, I wouldn’t be able to escape that, and that I didn’t realize that it was only my mind saying that I love him. In my heart, he’s just a guy that I WAS attracted to and gave up a long time ago without realizing.

Just when I thought I’ve learnt my lesson.

I grow feelings for another guy, a guy so different from the last. I feel my feelings are even stronger. This time, I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t want to give in so easily. I want him so badly that I think I would do anything to have him.

I have never feet like this for a guy before.

Is this love?

I always want his attention, although he hardly gives a damn about me.

I keep trying till I was obsessed. I had even more trouble closing my mind. It is so difficult. After some time, my obsession almost becomes possession. It’s like being possessed by someone totally different from me.

But after seeing him today and thinking back of the last guy whom I thought I loved. It’s almost the same thing, it’s just an illusion of my mind not my heart.

I’m just thankful that I’m able to realize this before I do something really stupid like start stalking (maybe that’s a great idea! Someday when I ever do fall in love, Ha-Ha! As if that would happen).

It’s funny though; those two different things could mean one same thing.

Sometimes I think I’m so mature for my age and some people do say that about me, but thinking back of all this, I feel so childish and stupid of not being able to master some self control. It’s like being an eleven year old girl.

But at the same time, it’s a good experience and I’m glad I can figure this out.

And lucky me I don’t have to spend time on a therapist or maybe worse, a brain surgeon.

So, What Is Love?

Ha-Ha! I guess I’ll never find out unless I keep trying… *wink*